"Hey, Takashi! You there?"

"Ah, yes?"

I come to my senses at my mother's yell over the phone.

"So...you're not registering your surname as Iwamoto yet."

"I guess."

"Hey, are you okay? Marriage blues?"

Marriage blues. I have a feeling that it is not that simple, but then again I am not familiar with it to begin with, so I can't really say anything.

"Yeah, don't worry..."

"I see... But be careful though."

"Of what?"

"If this continues, you're going to be moving from Yuge to Iwamoto and then from Iwamoto to Yuge, and so on. Seems like divorce is hereditary."

I quickly curse my mother silently for saying that.

Fack no, I don't want a divorce.

"Don't be too possessive and let Iwamoto-san fall out of love."
 
This time my breathing stops. I'm afraid of my mother's odd sharpness.

"Sigh... It's not an everyday thing you find someone that nice!　Don't worry. You're only a newbie, you should just ask him anything you don't get instead of worrying by yourself! The situation maybe isn't as bad as you think. Iwamoto-san is not like your father. He seems kind, respectful, he's the type to tell anything, how about you go the easy route and talk to him?"

I hung up my phone without answering, still with my mother's words ringing in my head. Sure sure, I should ask Iwamoto directly to clear things up. How easy is that! Who does she think she's talking to?

"I'm home."

I hear Iwamoto's voice in the midst of my chaotic thoughts.

The hospital is closed today, but Iwamoto was at work since this morning. Perhaps because today is a holiday, he returns home earlier than usual.

"Welcome home."

"Did you buy the week's groceries?" Iwamoto asks.

I open the refrigerator to show him what he asked. He seems happy. I should have done the cooking too, but I had once ruined a Teflon pan, so I had to restrain myself from doing it.

"I'll cook right up."

"Oh, thank you."

Every time we have a small talk like this; talking about food and kitchen stuff, my worries seem to evaporate. His attitude is always full of respect and love for me. When our eyes meet, he smiles slightly. Sometimes he smiles seductively, as if inviting me to join him.

Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason.

Just looking at the happy Iwamoto makes me want to cry.

I wonder if I have ever been this happy. Although at the same time, I feel scared.

I had always believed that I would never be able to achieve the same level of happiness as other people, which is why I was able to endure the dark life I had before I met Iwamoto. But now I know. Not just the taste of human happiness, but even the taste of the highest level of happiness. If this are to be taken away from me, would I be able to remain sane? Would I end up even worse, like a ghost of myself? A monster?

I am brushing my teeth in the bathroom when Iwamoto comes in after lunch. The bathroom doubles as a changing room and we have a small corridor where we put the washing machine. Iwamoto is going to take a bath so he takes off his shirt. His body is always a sight to behold. I scold myself for following his body with my eyes.

I should hurry up and leave.

"Takashi-san."

Iwamoto hugs me from behind as I rinse my mouth with water. I almost spew out the water and panic. I make a disgusting sound and finally spit it out.

"What is it?" I ask.

I look at Iwamoto's reflection in the mirror on the wall. He is smiling.

"Don't you want to come in with me?"

I gulp down a mouthful of spit at the heat I feel. I wonder if Iwamoto noticed that I had been sneaking a peek at his naked body. My face heats up. I like Iwamoto. I can't help but notice him.

Oh, how I hate my simplicity.

I turn my body around, putting my hands around Iwamoto's waist, moving my head closer, and suck on his neck.

"Nnh...so you agree?"

It tastes like sweat and is completely gritty. Yet why does it feel so delicious? I would love to lick his whole body and eat him. However, something catches my attention. On Iwamoto's waist, there is a white spot.

"What is it?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"That on your waist?"

"Hm? Oh...right."

Iwamoto looks down at his waist and touches it. He tries to scrape it off with his palm, but it won't come off. It is finger marks. Fingers smeared with white paint.

"It must be Aizawa."

Aizawa.

Right. The name of the man who always gave Iwamoto food.
The moment I hear the name, all the happiness I had felt earlier vanishes, and the flames of unpleasant jealousy flare up.

"What's that from?"

My tone comes off harsher than I intended.

Why does Iwamoto have that fingers mark there?

Why did the Aizawa guy touch him?

"We were painting... He was joking around and suddenly dropped his whole hand here 'cause my shirt was lifted up when I squat down."

I seem to be able to see the scene in front of my eyes: a muscular se*y man with a towel wrapped on his head is painting a wall. His shirt is lifted up, showing his skin―a pretty nice brown skin. And then his co-worker played with him and dropped his palm on his waist.

A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been this angry. I would think the usual, what Iwamoto told me: they were playing at work. It's okay to joke around once in a while, it's okay to eat with friends. Yes, I would have said it over and over again in my head until I believed it.

But now it doesn't take effect.

"Woah, that's a lot of stuff right there. I hope it didn't get on my shirt... D*mn brat!"

Iwamoto is fishing through the laundry basket for the long sleeves he has taken off. The se*ual air of just a few minutes ago has disappeared.

"Taichi-kun."

I call out to Iwamoto in a rather low voice. Iwamoto looks at me holding his shirt. He arches his eyebrows. He might be wondering why I suddenly have this expression.

"Yes...?"

"Let's wash it."

"Huh?"

"That."

"The painting?"

Iwamoto looks at the shirt in his hand and me alternately and nods. I'm sure he doesn't understand exactly what I meant.

Well, that's okay. I'll make you understand right away.

I smile faintly and pull him into the bathroom still with my clothes on.


***


"Ouch."

I push Iwamoto's back rather harshly. Doesn't care even though he seems to be confused about the situation. He crashes into the bathroom wall and stamps on a soap dish.

"What's wrong?"

But Iwamoto doesn't lose his cool. Instead, he asks me in a worried tone. His eyebrows are furrowed.

I begin to strip him down.

"You're getting wet..."

"Don't mind me."

My reply comes off as harsh, even to my ears. Yet I don't soften. I move Iwamoto's wet shirt that falls on the bathroom floor to the corner with my foot. Then hurriedly taking off my own clothes.

Iwamoto looks at me. I turn him over. His bare, tanned back looks so gorgeous, highlighted by the dark green walls of the bathroom. His muscles are toned and trained, his buttocks are round and shiny from the water. Perfect. But there is a trace of fingers made of white paint, right at the waist.

And I can't forgive it.

I definitely can't forgive it.

I splash a lot of body soap on a rag and start rubbing it on Iwamoto's back. On his waist too, and on his inner thighs. I rub again and again until the paint peels off his skin like a sticker.

"Ah!"

Iwamoto jolts.

I stop, realizing that his waist has turned terribly red.

He's naked, face stuck to the wall, cold, and with a chafed and almost bleeding waist. I suddenly feel ashamed.

What in the world am I doing?

I hurriedly hug Iwamoto from behind to keep him as warm as possible.

Iwamoto's body is shivering cold, but he doesn't seem to be offended. 

"What is it with the paint?" he asks.

I don't think he understands the cause of my irritation, yet he does know that something is wrong with me.

"I'm sorry..." I say.

"Why are you apologizing, Takashi-san? The paint fell off."

"It fell off...but it's all red. I'm sorry. Did it hurt you a lot?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you cold?"

"It's warm."

Iwamoto giggles. His back shivers. I hug him tighter.

I want to cry.

This is bad, really really bad. I took my anger, my sadness, my jealousy out on him. It isn't the fault of the fingers mark. I had made my husband's waist red and hurt.

"Takashi-san...are you mad at me?"

Fack.

I involuntarily bury my mouth on Iwamoto's shoulder. I am not angry. Not anymore at least. I just feel insecure. I know I should be honest and talk about this but I don't want to hear Iwamoto's possible negative response. I don't want everything to change and he ends up leaving me.

My chest hurts and it feels like I might collapse at any moment.
 
"Takashi-san...are you okay?"

Despite it being clear; I forcibly pulled him into the bathroom, bathed him in cold water, and scraped his waist hard, but Iwamoto still turns his body around and checks me if I'm really okay. Cupping my face with his palms.

He looks into my eyes, blinking, eyelashes are dripping wet.

I stare back. Iwamoto's eyes are pure. Loving me as always. Being noble and gentle like no one else in my life has ever been. I feel terribly guilty.

What do I have to do next?

Really... Should I just ask him what I don't understand about his behavior? Can something be as easy and simple as that?

God, someone tell me how to start!

"Taichi-kun, I'm..."

I open my mouth as the flow of water continues its steady rhythm. I've turned it into warm water, and so has Iwamoto's body. I am a little bit comforted to see that at least he is no longer shivering.

"Honestly...I really want you to have my last name."

"Yes...?"

Iwamoto turns his expression into a genuinely surprised face at the sudden change of subject. I continue.

"I don't mind letting go of Yuge. And I'm not concerned about the inheritance thing but...I thought that if your last name is changed, everyone will know that you are already taken. That you are married. All your co-workers."

Iwamoto seems to want to say something but closes his mouth back. He's the type of guy who rarely interrupts a conversation so, he just stands there, motionless and waiting for me to end.

"I mean I would be a lot calmer if you at least agreed to have my wedding ring but, then you told me we had to wait. Why wait? I try to put myself in your shoes and try to be patient and understand you but, the truth is, I can't. It's painful," I pause. "I still want to believe in you...but I find it hard to do it properly and I understand that it makes me a bad, selfish, insecure, and useless bastard."

Iwamoto looks at me, then sighs.

He turns to the wall. Probably upset because I just told him things he surely does not want to hear. However, I continue. I try to be more careful in choosing my words but still let my thoughts out as honestly as possible. I want to be very, very honest in front of Iwamoto.

"So today, when you told me that Aizawa touched you...I got jealous and took it out on you. I snapped, I'm sorry."

The sound of the shower echoes in the bathroom. Iwamoto is silent for a moment longer.

"...Oh God, this is really bad," he says finally. Still facing the wall but I can see that his ears are completely red. "I think...I think it's really normal that you got anxious. I've been pretty strange lately."

I nod.

"But, Takashi-san, it's nothing like that..."

Iwamoto tilts his head to look at me. His eyes are tinged with red and moist.

"I'm sorry, I never meant for you to feel insecure. It's just... First of all, you told me that you made the decision after thinking about Haruka, my position, and things at work. I was grateful for that. I thought about it, and I think you're right. But to be honest, the very real reason I accepted your suggestion was I am thrilled that you have my last name."

Okay, that's unexpected.

More than unexpected; what the hell does that mean?

"I'm like you, Takashi-san."

"Huh...?"

"Don't huh me! If you think about it more, it's dangerous for you to stay with the Yuge because people will think you are single! Come on! You're a doctor, you work at a university hospital, you're loaded, you're tall, you live in this nice area, your voice is nice, your face is pretty..." Iwamoto pauses, suddenly seems to realize what he had just babbled because his face reddens in embarrassment. "Don't look at me like that! It's the truth! Some nurses were gossiping about you when I was in the waiting room."

Hm, that's obviously a lie. I think only him who thinks of me that way. I mean why would I be a virgin and single at 37?

"But I'm sorry. I got on board without thinking too deeply. I was only talking about myself. But oh, I've already told everyone at work. Since the day after we got married, I've tried to convince them over and over again. I told them I got married to a guy. And about my body too."

"What? Really?"

Another surprise―coming from someone who used to be reluctant to even touch a sanitary napkin.

"Yeah, well, just in case. No, they are hard-headed people, they think it's some kind of a joke. They didn't believe me, especially about my body. So I just hand them the brochures the doctor had given me. Some finally believed in me, some were skeptical, the rest didn't believe at all. Maybe we should take a more believable wedding picture? Yeah and show it to everyone! I will even wear anything you want. A black suit or a white suit or a wedding dress. It makes exactly the same difference," says Iwamoto coyly.

My brain wanders, imagining things. He would look absolutely gorgeous in all the clothes he just mentioned. Right? Right? Can he really wear a dress? If that's the case, the picture can go to hell. No one is allowed to see it.

"...Taichi-kun," I say nervously. "I have one correction."

"Hmm?"

"I'm still a Yuge at the hospital."

"What? Why?"

"Because...it's easier and less troublesome. Most of my colleagues do that too."

"You've got to be kidding me! Oh, is hospital bureaucracy that complicated? Seriously? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you don't have to worry about my last name or anything like that?"

"No. I don't remember hearing that."

If you put it that way, I think you're right. Perhaps I left out some explanations because I was so deeply unconcerned about my situation.

"I haven't told anyone at work that I got married yet. Only the hospital's staff knows."

"What? For real?! Can I get mad at you? I can, can't I?" Iwamoto turns around. "...You always do that."

"...Sorry?"

"You always do everything as it suits you. You imagine things, you put words in my mouth, you make a huge drama and in the end it turns out that you were only thinking about yourself. How could my existence affect you in any way?"

"Of course it's not like that!"

"You wanted me to announce the world that I'm already taken but did you even tell your colleagues? Have you told them you're now married to a man? If I hadn't reminded you the other time, your mother wouldn't even know..."

Iwamoto turns off the water faucet. His eyebrows are again furrowing, his eyes tell me nothing. I stop breathing because he is right. I have never, not once ever told my colleagues about Iwamoto yet. I panic.

"No, no, it's nothing like that! I...I was worried because all my colleagues are jerks but...I'll say it, I promise I'll tell them tomorrow!"

"Such a thing..." Iwamoto grumbles, then scratches his head. "Don't you ever do that again."

"Okay."

"Imagining stupid things and..."

"Okay."

"And about the ring..." Iwamoto becomes serious again. "It's just that I already have...uhm...I'm going to go get them next month."

"...What?"

"You never stop buying things for me even when I told you not to! I want to buy something for you too! At least I thought that if I bought the rings, it would be nice...really nice... I measured the size of your finger while you were sleeping."

I am stunned. So is that what he meant by "wait"? I had never thought of it that way. I thought that all this time he changed his mind and didn't want to marry me anymore.

How come my mind went that far?

"And the meat..." Iwamoto putting his mouth in a straight line is nice. He does that whenever he doesn't know how to continue. "Takashi-san likes pork. I figured since you'd like to eat it so when Aizawa offered it to me, I accepted it right away."

Yes, I like pork very much. Does that mean you just want to make me happy? Did you really only think about me when the Aizawa guy gave you the pork?

My chest is clogged.

"Hahaha..."

"Don't laugh!"

Of course, I am not laughing at Iwamoto.

"No, no... It's just that I'm seriously stupid. Just like my mother said."

"Your mother?"

"She said since I still haven't had much experience in relationships, she told me I should talk to you first. She said sometimes things don't look as bad as I imagine it."

"She is absolutely right." Iwamoto finally smiles and hugs me. Hugging him again feels good. "But I'm pretty new at this too..."

I move another little closer and bury my nose in Iwamoto's neck.

"Uhm...Takashi... Now that we're in the bathroom, naked...it's fun to talk, but wouldn't it be more fun to do erotic things?" I unconsciously lick my lips. "If you promise me that we're really going to do this together from now on..."

Drops fall from Iwamoto's thick lips. I run the water again.

"I've told you over and over before. I'll do anything for you."



PREV  •  TOC  •  NEXT



RELATED NOVELS: